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another year begins with botched resolutions and poverty, loneliness and sorrow, self doubt and fear of the future.
i don’t know what to do anymore, i feel abandoned and lost, confused at what i am supposed to be doing. my resolutions are as follows: quit smoking, lose 100000 pounds, be less lazy, get accepted to school, get to california, move out, be nicer to my boyfriend. i am still so lost and alone, though, these feelings don’t seem to go away. so many friends lost in the mix…
maybe i’ll finish this another time.
Filed under: turn your back on the crowd
i have tried and tried for years, very laxidaisically (sp?) to get my own zine started. and now, i am finally working on it and have begun to put things together. to imagine myself as a part of the creativity scene in montreal is quite amazing, i have always wanted to be apart of it, admiring from afar…
so anyway. here i am, i’ll probably be posting some of my ideas up here, photos etc… i am no good at blogging anymore, but i see myself getting back into it.
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it’s absolutely awful outside today. i have nothing to do but write. that’s what i should be doing, anyway. brainstorming, and the like. but my mind is elsewhere.
last night, you cried tears of happiness as i stood before you on the balcony and sang my heart out. those moments i will remember forever, regardless of the situation. the buildings pulsated and swayed and the sky threatened to swallow us up into it’s abyss of blues and pinks. i took your hand, i promised you forever and i plan to hold such a promise for as long as there is air in my lungs. you are my other half, you were sent to me as a fated gift from heaven, to love me and for me to love you like i’ve never loved anything before. we are meant to be, carved into the book of destiny from the beginning. i never dreamed of anything like this before, i had figured i was going to spend the rest of time all alone. and then you showed up and painted a beautiful picture for me to gaze upon day in and day out. now i’ve got you, i’m never gonna let you go without a fight. we may bicker at one another and drive eachother crazy, but i can’t imagine the future without you. i can’t imagine waking up to another’s eyes, i can’t imagine sitting on my porch in my old age with anyone but you. we are one, special, and lucky to be so in love with eachother.
many things have shifted in my life since you appeared. but most notably, i have shifted. i am discovering my weaknesses and my strengths. you are my strength. knowing you are here with me gives me hope. we can make it work, we can make anything work. we have faith in ourselves and our love, and that’s all we need. times get tougher and tougher, but what better way to build character. the sun will come out, and we’ll be standing there, hand in hand, basking in the soft light of a new day. and we’ll know, we’ll know that we’re fighters.
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paris
11 rue Campagne Première, Paris 14
http://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raspail_%28m%C3%A9tro_de_Paris%29
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oh, the things i would change.
neglecting people is a bad habit that i seem to have developed. alot of people have recently disappeared from my life. but those who stuck around… probably don’t really care too much for me right now. i have been spending little time with them. i don’t answer the phone, i don’t go out to parties, i don’t really do much of anything. if i could explain this, i would. i think i’ve overly outgrown the whole party scene, but this doesnt mean i should drop off the face of the earth. i need to fix this.
i need to spend more time reading. it might be the cause of my writers block, this lack of reading that i do. it seems as though… i already know that whatever i’m going to try to write is going to be trash. i don’t want to feel this way anymore. i’m tired of it. i need to dismantle the wall i’ve built in my mind that tells me that its no longer worth it.
Filed under: turn your back on the crowd
i stepped out onto the tarmac and thrill overwhelmed my body. the hot tropical air greeted my lungs and i could no longer contain myself. despite a boring flight with umpteen irritations (crying babies, terrible food, people milling back and forth to and from the bathroom, hitting my chair everytime they passed…), i was happy and excited to begin my week. we walked along the side of the landing strip, i had never debarked from an airplane straight outdoors, and seeing the airplane from our viewpoint was intimidating. to think such a huge machine can glide smoothly through the sky at thousands of miles an hour is fascinating, but i wasn’t looking forward to being on one again in a week knowing i would be being transported back to my arctic city.
it all seemed to be a blur- customs, baggage claim, etc… i couldnt stop thinking about how badly i needed a cigarette. you can basically smoke anywhere in the dominican republic, so all the french canadians who had jumped off our flight gratefully lit up their cigarettes, almost in unison. i shook my head in disbelief, and focused my mind on getting to the resort. outside the airport, a sea of bus-taxis and drivers hollering with signs awaited. it took no time at all to find our bus, and fortunately we had due time for a cigarette before leaving.
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the time has come, the walrus said, to speak of many things…
and here i am. it is the day before new years eve. i have to make resolutions, don’t i? i do, oh i definitely do. i am becoming increasingly restless. there are plans to be made, things to change, things to create. i think i’ll have to do it by force, though.
sadly enough, i have had significant difficulty motivating myself to write. i feel like i have nothing to write about, and that scares me. alot. all i have ever wanted to do was write. that’s what i want to spend my life doing. and here i sit, with not one inspiring thought in my head. i just came back from a vacation in the Dominican Republic, and i can’t even begin to write about it. i will, but at the moment… i feel overwhelmed by my inability to just unload thousands of words like i used to. i still can, i just… oh i don’t know. i’m scared. if i don’t have words, what else do i have??
Filed under: Uncategorized
oof, sorry i’m such a jerk. i suck at committing to a blog. i’ve had alot to say recently. i just haven’t had enough time to really… you know… write.
Filed under: Uncategorized
i had a pretty good day today. got up, had a nice breakfast/coffee and cigarette on the porch in the rain. started reading Necklace of Kisses, the most recent (and perhaps final) installment of the Dangerous Angels/Weetzie Bat books. so fucking good, put me in a magical mood all day.
in other news, i’m still wondering why, as humans, we’re blessed/cursed with this desire for another. like, i don’t need anyone, but i still feel like i do, and it hurts the way stubbing your toe or smacking your funny bone does- you’re not really hurting yourself that badly but it feels like something awful.
Filed under: turn your back on the crowd
so, it’s interesting what’s inspiring this post today. a plethora of strange emotions, strange feelings that i’ve come to recognize today as feelings that will undoubtedly become more familiar as i grow. but today… i don’t know. i’m still a kid. or at least i like to think so.
today i nipped onto an old flame’s myspace page to find out that he’s… engaged to be wed. see now, i get it, i’m not stupid, but i am a poor excuse for a human being. last summer i had a bit of a fling with someone who came down from Alaska to visit me in Montreal. but he invested more feelings than i did, and a few weeks after his return to Alaska, i broke it off inadvertantly with a blog post i wrote, thinking no one would read it. it described my exact feelings at the time: how i wasn’t ready to be in love with someone, i didn’t like being tied down, i didn’t like saying the words without meaning them. and he read it. and it ended our little long distance relationship right then and there.
which felt awful, but good at the same time. like i said, i was too young for a real relationship, and still am. i don’t want to share myself with anyone. its not a selfish thing, i just don’t like to have to tell people things that have always been personal secrets. but now we’re going off topic.
today, i just wanted to check on him, and make sure everything was going well (he was moving back to his hometown of California after spending a couple years stationed in Alaska), and apparently he’s engaged. it does surprise me quite a bit, he was single last time we spoke. which had to be… only a month or two ago. and now. he’s engaged. if he sends me an invitation to the wedding, i’ll die. i’ll get drunk alone and wallow in self pity because i’m going to be alone for the rest of my life. but regardless, i’m totally aware that the only reason i feel as distraught as i do is because he really is a catch. albeit there are some issues he needs to work out, but a good woman will help him with that. i’m not a woman, i’m a girl. i can’t even help myself.
enough of that. it’s too early in the day to be so sad. so in other news, after spending another couple hours at Chapters last night, stoned as shit with my face stuck in various travel books, i think i may have actually figured out what i want to do with the rest of my life. i want to be a travel writer/photo journalist. i mean, basically i want to work for National Geographic, but that’s kind of a shot in the dark. so let’s just say i want to write books about all the beautiful things i’ve seen/will get to see. now i need to get on saving money and buying a new camera and seeing America. that’s important.
god, what a ridiculous weekend. now here i am on a rainy monday morning, not looking forward to leaving the house. work today. i have to cover my tattoos.
more later, i bet.
