we are collapsed in the act of just being here.

so, it’s interesting what’s inspiring this post today. a plethora of strange emotions, strange feelings that i’ve come to recognize today as feelings that will undoubtedly become more familiar as i grow. but today… i don’t know. i’m still a kid. or at least i like to think so.

 today i nipped onto an old flame’s myspace page to find out that he’s… engaged to be wed. see now, i get it, i’m not stupid, but i am a poor excuse for a human being. last summer i had a bit of a fling with someone who came down from Alaska to visit me in Montreal. but he invested more feelings than i did, and a few weeks after his return to Alaska, i broke it off inadvertantly with a blog post i wrote, thinking no one would read it. it described my exact feelings at the time: how i wasn’t ready to be in love with someone, i didn’t like being tied down, i didn’t like saying the words without meaning them. and he read it. and it ended our little long distance relationship right then and there.

which felt awful, but good at the same time. like i said, i was too young for a real relationship, and still am. i don’t want to share myself with anyone. its not a selfish thing, i just don’t like to have to tell people things that have always been personal secrets. but now we’re going off topic.

today, i just wanted to check on him, and make sure everything was going well (he was moving back to his hometown of California after spending a couple years stationed in Alaska), and apparently he’s engaged. it does surprise me quite a bit, he was single last time we spoke. which had to be… only a month or two ago. and now. he’s engaged. if he sends me an invitation to the wedding, i’ll die. i’ll get drunk alone and wallow in self pity because i’m going to be alone for the rest of my life. but regardless, i’m totally aware that the only reason i feel as distraught as i do is because he really is a catch. albeit there are some issues he needs to work out, but a good woman will help him with that. i’m not a woman, i’m a girl. i can’t even help myself.

enough of that. it’s too early in the day to be so sad. so in other news, after spending another couple hours at Chapters last night, stoned as shit with my face stuck in various travel books, i think i may have actually figured out what i want to do with the rest of my life. i want to be a travel writer/photo journalist. i mean, basically i want to work for National Geographic, but that’s kind of a shot in the dark. so let’s just say i want to write books about all the beautiful things i’ve seen/will get to see. now i need to get on saving money and buying a new camera and seeing America. that’s important.

god, what a ridiculous weekend. now here i am on a rainy monday morning, not looking forward to leaving the house. work today. i have to cover my tattoos.

more later, i bet.