another year begins with botched resolutions and poverty, loneliness and sorrow, self doubt and fear of the future.

i don’t know what to do anymore, i feel abandoned and lost, confused at what i am supposed to be doing. my resolutions are as follows: quit smoking, lose 100000 pounds, be less lazy, get accepted to school, get to california, move out, be nicer to my boyfriend. i am still so lost and alone, though, these feelings don’t seem to go away. so many friends lost in the mix…

maybe i’ll finish this another time.

it’s absolutely awful outside today. i have nothing to do but write. that’s what i should be doing, anyway. brainstorming, and the like. but my mind is elsewhere.

last night, you cried tears of happiness as i stood before you on the balcony and sang my heart out. those moments i will remember forever, regardless of the situation. the buildings pulsated and swayed and the sky threatened to swallow us up into it’s abyss of blues and pinks. i took your hand, i promised you forever and i plan to hold such a promise for as long as there is air in my lungs. you are my other half, you were sent to me as a fated gift from heaven, to love me and for me to love you like i’ve never loved anything before. we are meant to be, carved into the book of destiny from the beginning. i never dreamed of anything like this before, i had figured i was going to spend the rest of time all alone. and then you showed up and painted a beautiful picture for me to gaze upon day in and day out. now i’ve got you, i’m never gonna let you go without a fight. we may bicker at one another and drive eachother crazy, but i can’t imagine the future without you. i can’t imagine waking up to another’s eyes, i can’t imagine sitting on my porch in my old age with anyone but you. we are one, special, and lucky to be so in love with eachother.

many things have shifted in my life since you appeared. but most notably, i have shifted. i am discovering my weaknesses and my strengths. you are my strength. knowing you are here with me gives me hope. we can make it work, we can make anything work. we have faith in ourselves and our love, and that’s all we need. times get tougher and tougher, but what better way to build character. the sun will come out, and we’ll be standing there, hand in hand, basking in the soft light of a new day. and we’ll know, we’ll know that we’re fighters.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paris

11 rue Campagne Première, Paris 14

http://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raspail_%28m%C3%A9tro_de_Paris%29

oh, the things i would change.

neglecting people is a bad habit that i seem to have developed. alot of people have recently disappeared from my life. but those who stuck around… probably don’t really care too much for me right now. i have been spending little time with them. i don’t answer the phone, i don’t go out to parties, i don’t really do much of anything. if i could explain this, i would. i think i’ve overly outgrown the whole party scene, but this doesnt mean i should drop off the face of the earth. i need to fix this.

i need to spend more time reading. it might be the cause of my writers block, this lack of reading that i do. it seems as though… i already know that whatever i’m going to try to write is going to be trash. i don’t want to feel this way anymore. i’m tired of it. i need to dismantle the wall i’ve built in my mind that tells me that its no longer worth it.

the time has come, the walrus said, to speak of many things…

 and here i am. it is the day before new years eve. i have to make resolutions, don’t i? i do, oh i definitely do. i am becoming increasingly restless. there are plans to be made, things to change, things to create. i think i’ll have to do it by force, though.

sadly enough, i have had significant difficulty motivating myself to write. i feel like i have nothing to write about, and that scares me. alot. all i have ever wanted to do was write. that’s what i want to spend my life doing. and here i sit, with not one inspiring thought in my head. i just came back from a vacation in the Dominican Republic, and i can’t even begin to write about it. i will, but at the moment… i feel overwhelmed by my inability to just unload thousands of words like i used to. i still can, i just… oh i don’t know. i’m scared. if i don’t have words, what else do i have??